Another day, Another latte.

Morning y'all, have not made a blog post in ages! I apologize for my absence. Not that anyone reads this haha, if you are one of the few readers on my blog, well I love you!

At this moment I am sitting in the local coffee shop downing another soy latte. My mood is already on edge because of the heinous music playing in this place. I got out of bed at 5AM thanks to anxiety, also I thought I felt a spider on me but it turned out to be my own hair, by then the adrenaline was already pumping so there was no recovering. (ok I just moved to my car because I couldn't handle that music any longer - just incase you cared, my heated seats are way better any way) Any way, life update. Last week I re-homed my horse whom I owned for just about 5 years, since then my mornings have felt awfully strange. Without planning my morning around barn chores I find myself wondering what to do in the first hours of the day. If you have any tips for me regarding what normal people do in the morning that'd be great cause my brain is still in the horse world.

On the topic of horses, let me tell you where I am at with missing my sweet Sunchase. The decision to re-home him did not at all come easy. I went back and forth on the idea several times, but when it came down to it I knew that I did not have enough time & money to give him all he deserves. Though Chase is still alive, I found myself grieving my loss of him at an intense capacity. When I was 17 I met Chase and instantly the bond was beyond what I ever knew between horse & girl. I had been riding since age 3 and had gone through many horses, but this one was different. Chase became my constant. Friendships, age, schools, homes, jobs all could be changing but Chase was always there. When my depression was at its worst, Chase was there to remind me I needed to stay because I had more to my life than merely my own existence. If I found myself unmotivated in the morning, not sure where my will to get out of bed went, he would always be there waiting for me to get to the barn to care for him. He gave me a sense of responsibility, forced me to be strong for something other than my own life, and motivated me on the days I didn't think I would make it out of bed. Losing that I have found myself craving meaning. Feeling so empty that I question if my heart left with him. Reflecting over the weekend though I can see where I found meaning, where I got my drive to carry on. I truly believed Chase was my strength, when actually all along that strength was within me. Chase taught me so much during our time together, but I am seeing that even apart he continues to teach me more about myself. We do not give ourselves enough credit. If I have learned one thing from this heartbreak of saying goodbye to my equine best friend, it would be that we need to focus on what the people/animals/situations in our life are telling us about ourselves. Take time to get to know YOU. For once in my life I am actually eager to pay attention to what makes me smile, what brings tears to my eyes, what makes me laugh. Start to get excited about meeting yourself, just meet yourself where you are at. The messy, raw, beautiful you. Focus on self acceptance and allow more room for it, rather than self hate.

Love y'all. I challenge you to take yourself out to coffee one day this week and completely unplug. Either sit with your thoughts, or write them out. See what you have to tell yourself.

"I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes. So much can slip away before I say goodbye. But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why." -Tenth Avenue North

-B