Shame thoughts not shameful thoughts.

Mornin'!

OK, challenge. If you have ever felt shame then go right ahead and like this post or comment, something. Speak up. Let your shame out. Do you have to tell me why you felt the shame? No, but that is welcome if that is what you need. I would love to listen and encourage your vulnerability. (if you need to get something off your chest and need someone to bear the shame with you but not the whole blogging community, email me. I will be there)

I feel shame almost daily if I am going to be honest with you. This icky, stomach churning, tear triggering shame deep in my heart. Shame from my mistakes, from my weakness' and for my imperfections. These last few weeks I have been studying shame and vulnerability. My soul longs for understanding, longs to know what in sweet heck I am suppose to do with all this shame.

Well here is what I have concluded. My shame is there to push me into courage. The first step to courage is showing up, that is all. Like Glennon says, "just show up and do the next right thing". Do you know how much peckin' courage it takes to show up, to just SHOW UP. Not gonna lie sometimes getting out of bed truly is the hardest part of my day. It is brutal. Why would anyone in their right mind want to leave their two dozen too many pillows, fluffy white comforter and twinkle light lit up bed. Where they are safe, unknown and free of judgement. To go out into the messy, brutal world?! I would much rather curl up in my bed all day, tucked away from the brutal happenings of the world. Here's the thing though, then that is fear controlling your life. That's letting the fear of people seeing your icky shame that is smudged all over your life, control you. NO no nooooo. That just can't be. Don't you know that is all shame wants? It aches to make you feel like you are all alone, aims to make you silent. Shame in all measures needs to be healed. Do I wish I could just stay in bed and pretend my shame doesn't exist, heck yes, cause that is easy. I would much rather hide away until I am no longer covered in smudgy shame & speckled imperfections. News flash: If that was the case then I would be hiding forever. Forever. Lets get out of bed, and speak out about our shame. Just know readers that when speaking our shame, when listening to the shame around us we need to abide by some guidelines. Be there in the smudgy, icky shame. Don't compare, don't judge, don't feel bad, don't share. Just love & be present.

Who has earned the right to hear this story and who am I in a relationship with that can bear this story? -Brené Brown

There will never come a day that I am not identified with shame and imperfections. I am here to be a whole hearted person, a person who feels so much that it is contagious. Not to be this perfect little christian barbie doll who is crystal clear and shines nothing but the joy oh sweet joy of Jesus. I am choosing to get up today and practice authenticity. I am getting up, ripping that fluffy white comforter off and letting the world see me for who I really am. A 21 year old young woman who is fueled by her shame, falling in love with her imperfections, letting tears down her cheeks when life leaves her feeling too much and choosing to be vulnerable in this brutiful world. Scars and all.

OH uhm, while I am being vulnerable I should probably let y'all know that my vegan venture came to an end. Unfortunately my body can not take that intense diet change at the moment. We have to listen to our bodies and do what is right for ourselves. No body is the same! Ok, that's all.

Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyway. -Momastery

xo